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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Query Letter Blogfest

The Query Letter Blogfest is going on today to help writers improve the first impressions we make on agents. My query for ONE LAST TIME is below and I'd appreciate any and all thoughts. I definitely need to make this better.

Here we go:

Dear Agent,

[Reason I'm querying this particular agent] My Contemporary YA manuscript, ONE LAST TIME, is complete at 50,000 words.

Fifteen-year-old Bailey refuses to waste her last days immobilized in a hospital room. The sickness that’s ravaged her body and made her life wretched is about to kill her, but she's not going to lie in bed like a vegetable waiting for death to find her. With the help of her best friends, Bailey breaks out so she can enjoy one last day of freedom.

Free from the hospital, Bailey attempts the normal, everyday activities she’s been denied: driving a car, visiting the mall, even going to school. But then her heart gets in the way. When Bailey discovers love in an unexpected place, she questions her willingness to die for the first time. Suddenly, she has someone – and something – to live for, but she has to decide if that’s enough to return to the hospital to suffer through her last days in the place she’s grown to loathe.

Per [Agency Name's] submission guidelines, I have included [whatever they ask for]. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,
Me

6 comments:

  1. I like the premise. She breaks out to do stuff she's never done, but it can't just be normal mundane stuff because although it may be new for her it won't be for the reader so it needs a twist, things go awry or are made more amazing for some reason, and you need to show what that is.

    for example, if she drives a car, it can't just be she drives around and feels exhilerated. Something story-worthy has to happen in that scene and you have to relay that in the pitch.

    Her falling in love with such little time left is an excellent plot development, but why this guy? How does it happen? What's the thing that bowls her over? These kinds of specifics are what make a story stand out.

    At the moment you've left it too vague. She breaks out and does stuff and you're going to make it fun and engaging to read,I assume, but you have to show that with specific examples.

    Hope that helps.
    regards
    mood
    Moody Writing

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  2. I'M STARTING AT THE BACK OF THE LIST. :)


    Fifteen-year-old Bailey refuses to waste her last days immobilized in a hospital room. NICE OPENING SENTENCE. The sickness that’s ravaged her body BE SPECIFIC, WHAT DISEASE EXACTLY. I SAY THIS BECAUSE BELOW YOU MAKE REFERENCE TO HER HEART AND SO IT MAKES SENSE TO SPELL IT OUT A BIT MORE CLEARLY. and made her life wretched is about to kill her, but she's not going to lie in bed like a vegetable waiting for death to find her. WITH THIS SENTENCE YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY REPEATING WHAT YOU ALREADY TOLD US IN THE FIRST SENTENCE. With the help of her best friends, Bailey breaks out so she can enjoy one last day of freedom. I LIKE THE PREMISE SO FAR!!

    Free from the hospital, Bailey attempts the normal, everyday activities she’s been denied: driving a car, visiting the mall, even going to school. But then her heart gets in the way. HMMM...NOW I'M WONDERING IF YOU MEAN LITERALLY HER HEART STOPS WORKING RIGHT OR IF YOU MEAN LOVE GETS IN THE WAY??? PUZZLED. When Bailey discovers love in an unexpected place, she questions her willingness to die for the first time. BUT SHE'S GOING TO DIE ANYWAY, ISN'T SHE? Suddenly, she has someone – and something – to live for, PERHAPS INSTEAD OF "LIVE FOR" YOU SHOULD SAY, ""STRETCH OUT HER FINAL DAYS FOR" BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY SAID THAT SHE HAS A FATAL DISEASE, SO SHE'S NOT REALLY CHOSING DEATH, DEATH IS CHOSING HER. SHE'S JUST DECIDING HOW FAST IT'S GONG TO COME, NO?? but she has to decide if that’s enough to return to the hospital to suffer through her last days in the place she’s grown to loathe.

    YOU COULD MAYBE INCLUDE THE BOY'S NAME, SOMETHING ABOUT HIM TO GET THE READER MORE INTERESTED IN THE ROMANCE ASPECT OF THE STORY.

    FWIW - I DISAGREE THAT SHE HAS TO WANT TO DO SOMETHING EXCITING ON HER DAY OUT. FOR A TEEN WHO'S BEEN LOCKED UP WANTING NOTHING BUT TO HAVE A LIFE, THEN EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS WILL SEEM LIKE BIG THINGS. IT'S ALL A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE. I THINK THE STORY HAS A GOOD PREMISE - HOPING THAT SHE DOESN'T DIE IN THE END THOUGH!!

    GOOD LUCK!

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  3. Sounds like a tear-jerker! Nice concept. Just a few comments about stakes and tension. Overall, I understand that Bailey's dying, but how has this disease made her not able to drive a car, go to the mall, etc?

    The first two sentences in the second paragraph kind of repeat. Consider: Fifteen-year-old Bailey is dying, but she refuses to lie in bed like a vegetable waiting for death to find her. With the help of her best friends, Bailey breaks out of her hospital prison to enjoy one last day of freedom.

    Something like that.

    Then the love part. Did she know this person before? Just met? Is this really the first time she's thought about dying?

    Tighten it up, but overall, I would read it (with a lot of tissues).

    Thanks for sharing!

    Marie at the Cheetah

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  4. You could probably cut 'The sickness that’s ravaged her body and made her life wretched is about to kill her, but she's not going to lie in bed like a vegetable waiting for death to find her.' It's just repeating in different words everything you said in your first sentence.

    I'm a little confused about what's at stake here. She's going to die--she KNOWS she's going to die, and there's nothing she can do to stop that. So she escapes and unexpectedly finds love. Now, she has something to live for. BUT, you just said she's dying. What does returning to the hospital do? Keep her alive for a little bit longer? But she'll still die, right? If so, I'm not sure that I understand why she'd need to return to the hospital for this person she loves. If she's going to die anyway, why not spend those last moments free?

    I've seen this query around and I really think you've got something great here. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. There's a bit of redundancy in your first few lines... perhaps this as a first sentence:


    Fifteen-year-old Bailey (last name?) refuses to waste her last (remaining, maybe) days immobilized in a hospital room, dying from the disease (maybe name the disease specifically?) that’s ravaged her body and made (the last few months, years, whatever) wretched.

    Otherwise, I think this is a very clean, well-written query. My only other suggestion: since this isn't exactly a high concept story, you might want to add in a few more details (about the romance, perhaps?) that show why your story is unique and worthy of an agent's time.

    Good luck, Dustin!

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  6. I'm getting around a bit late in the query blogfest, but maybe I can still help.


    Fifteen-year-old Bailey refuses to waste her last days immobilized in a hospital room. The sickness that’s ravaged her body and made her life wretched is about to kill her, but she's not going to lie in bed like a vegetable waiting for death to find her. With the help of her best friends, Bailey breaks out so she can enjoy one last day of freedom. I think this para could be shortened. There's a lot of info about the effect of the sickness, and I think you could condense that.

    Free from the hospital, Bailey attempts the normal, everyday activities she’s been denied: driving a car I'm not sure how she would do this when in the previous para it says she's immobilised., visiting the mall, even going to school. But then her heart gets in the way. When Bailey discovers love in an unexpected place This feels quite cliche to me. With more specific details here it would make the reader for the tension more. What sort of love is it? Romantic? Paternal? What is the unexpeted place? You're query isn't long so you do have space to flesh this out, she questions her willingness to die for the first time Has she always been willing to die? I find this a bit odd for a 15YO. Suddenly, she has someone – and something – to live for, but she has to decide if that’s enough to return to the hospital to suffer through her last days in the place she’s grown to loathe I find this line confusing. Is she definitely going to die? If so why would she return to the hospital when she could instead be spending her time with the person she loves. If there is a chance she'll live if she returns to the hospital there is no indication of this. I think it needs to be made more clear.

    Hope this helps!

    ReplyDelete