-

Friday, May 27, 2011

First 250 for the Made of Awesome Contest

Feel free to be brutal! I've gone through several iterations of this and it's still not where I want it. I appreciate all feedback. Thanks!

Title: Princess Protection Agency
Genre: YA Fantasy

A huge horse thundered down the road leading to the castle, clouds of dust billowing in its wake. Farmers and traders scrambled out of the way to avoid being trampled. Carts were overturned and livestock scattered.

“Who rides a horse that fast? Is there some war I don’t know about?” Evelyn asked as she knelt next to the boar they’d felled. Her eyes narrowed as she glared at the approaching rider.

“I wish,” Ruby said, her hand moving to her axe at the mention of conflict.

“Who cares? It’s some buffoon acting stupid,” Ingrid said. She gnawed her bottom lip as her gaze flicked between Evelyn and the rider.

Another group of farmers scattered as the horse charged toward them. The rider was thirty feet away and closing fast. Evelyn frowned.

“He’s rude. No reason to ride like a maniac. Time for him to learn to be more considerate of Norland’s citizens,” Evelyn said. She pulled her hunting knife from the boar and wiped it on the grass.

“I don’t think so. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s very considerate. A real peach,” Ingrid said. Her translucent wings shimmered as they fluttered.

“Don’t be a coward. We can teach him manners.” Evelyn’s finger ran along the edge of her knife as she headed to the road.

“Too dangerous. We should stay here in the grass,” Ingrid said, not that her argument would do any good. Her trembling hand gripped the wand at her side and her wings beat faster with each thud of the horse's hooves.

15 comments:

  1. Hi! I'm a fellow North Carolinian. Nice to meet you.

    Ok, you've got a great start here, but I think you can make it stronger. You're really close though I think so its kind of hard to pinpoint what's lacking, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

    Your first sentence is almost cliche. How many fantasy movies start with a horse and rider galloping to the castle? Can you start with the three faeries in the field?

    Which brings me to the second thing. I didn't realize they were faeries until near the end. They are more interesting to me than the horse at this point. Can anyone else see them there? At first I thought they were just three village women.

    Knowing they are faeries makes the dialogue make more sense. Although you refer to the rider as a buffoon, stupid, rude, maniac, considerate and a peach. Would faeries judge someone so harshly without knowing what's going on?

    Just wondering. But, having said all that. I'm curious to see why the rider is coming so fast. Something must be a foot, and I'd keep reading to find out what.

    BTW, I like Evelyn's spitfire nature.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with the above comment. I didn't realize they were faeries either, and maybe that should be brought in. My guess is Evelyn is the princess and the other two are faeries ?? But I don't know. And although it is sometimes good to keep the reader guessing I don't think that it should be about the faeries etc. But you definitely got the most important thing right which is to make me like the characters.

    ReplyDelete
  3. OK, I'll be brutal.

    >The rider was thirty feet away and closing fast.

    Given that you hadn't said the horse HAD a rider, I got the hilarious image of a Clydesdale roaming free around the countryside with his rider chasing him. At least he's starting to catch up :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think maybe some of the dialogue is unnecessary. But I like the idea of the princess protection program and that they are faeries. But I didn't get much of that from the first paragraph. (But I could say the same about my entry) Good Luck

    ReplyDelete
  5. i disagree with L i think it is clear by how the people react that there is a rider otherwise they wouldn't comment about the rider...

    i like the interplay between evelyn and ingrid right from the start their characters shine through.

    good stuff

    douglas esper

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hopefully this is helpful more than brutal.

    A **huge horse** thundered down the road leading to the castle, clouds of dust billowing in its wake. –I think you can make the setting sparkle even more if you give more description to this horse. What type is it? Sleek, or built thick like a draft horse? Is it royal, is it old, is it a mare or a stallion? Spotless white, polished black, chestnust brown? Or some other key identifier that might say it’s a royal horse vs. a thieves horse...

    “Who rides a horse that fast? Is there some war I don’t know about?” Evelyn asked as she knelt next to the boar they’d felled. –This is sort of a weak action and takes away from the importance of her dialogue. I have been told several times that it’s best to cut the dialogue tags to just “he said/she said” and let the actions speak for themselves. You do this well in the latter half. Also, “they’d felled” Who is they? We’ve not been introduced to any other characters so far, and I barely know who Evelyn is. And “felled” is sort of an odd word choice. Did they shoot it with an arrow or sink a hatchet between its eyes? Also, if they’re close enough to see the rider tearing through like a crazy person, they can’t be too far from the road. But then what are the doing hunting boar outside of a forest or secluded area? Most wild animals avoid populated areas. I think it’s illogical for her to be standing over her fresh kill and in view of the road.

    Her eyes narrowed as she glared at the approaching rider.—Narrowed and glared say virtually the same thing. I’d cut “glared”.

    “I wish,” Ruby said, her hand moving to her axe at the mention of conflict. –“At the mention of conflict” This is telling. Showing is: her hand moving to her axe...a playful smile curling on her lips.

    “Who cares? It’s some buffoon acting stupid,” Ingrid said. She gnawed her bottom lip as her gaze flicked between Evelyn and the rider. –Why is she gnawing her lip? What is she worried about? The “who cares” contradicts her body language.

    Another group of farmers scattered as the horse charged toward them. The rider was thirty feet away and closing fast. Evelyn frowned. –Thirty feet. The rider will have passed them before the next sentence. Should be a quarter mile away at least for the length of their discussion.

    “He’s rude. No reason to ride like a maniac. Time for him to learn to be more considerate of Norland’s citizens,” Evelyn said. She pulled her hunting knife from the boar and wiped it on the grass. **Would love some more insight into Evelyn’s character and why she’s taking matters into her own hands.

    “I don’t think so. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s very considerate. A real peach,” Ingrid said. --Was this meant sarcastically?

    Her translucent wings shimmered as they fluttered. –I agree the fact that they’re fairies should be introduced sooner. I find it curious that there are life sized fairies out in a field hunting. Fairies with bloodlust is not a-typical. Also, I would not think it common to have female hunters in a sword and shield time period. Are they part of a hunting party or just by themselves?

    “Too dangerous. We should stay here in the grass,” Ingrid said, not that her argument would do any good.-- Ingrid has very casual language. I think fairies (and elves) usually speak more eloquently. Another non a-typical quirk.

    Her trembling hand gripped the wand at her side and her wings beat faster with each thud of the horse's hooves. –This almost seems like a POV change. Evelyn seems like the MC, but Ingrid is almost stealing the show. I think more focus needs to be given to Evelyn.


    Liked the premise that the title promises. I think if you take a step back and focus on a specific moment of tension (Evelyn's burning desire to teach him a lesson) it will carry the story better than trying to strip the actions ot the bare bones just to get to the part where Evelyn gets up to teach the rider a lesson.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You already have a load of rich comments here so just a fact note for you.
    If this horse is moving that fast, at 30 feet away it would have passed them by the time they stated he was rude and no need to ride like a maniac. Top horses can go 50mph so this rider would be long gone before they pulled the dagger from the boar.
    As to the fairy's, only Ingrid has wings so far. So perhaps there is only 1?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think it's improved a lot since the last time I read it. I particularly like the last para.
    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Right now the writing looks like this:

    "dialogue" Evelyn said. (description)
    "dialogue" Rugy said. (description)
    "dialogue" Ingrid said. (description)
    "dialogue" Evelyin said. (description)

    It gets monotonous. Not the writing, just the set up. Mix it up to look something along the lines of this:

    "dialoge" Evelyn said. (description)
    (description) "dialoge" Ruby said.
    (descrption) "dialoge" Ingrid said.
    "dialogue" ____ said. (description)
    "dialoge" _____ said.
    (description)
    (descrition)"dialogue" ____ said.

    Hope that makes sense?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think you should start off with some conversation with the three ladies, or perhaps them hunting the boar, and then make the inciting incident (the thing that distracts them) the horse and its rider. The three ladies are far more interesting than the horse. Use that to your advantage. Especially with a title like Princess Protection Agency, and the three character being girls and possible one of them a princess. It calls up questions such as, doe the princesses need protecting or is it the princess doing the protecting?
    I think this will be just marvelous when the focus is immediately on the girls.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I like the opening -- it's very visual. But, like other commenters, the fact that they're fairies is buried.

    Also, this is just a small nitpick -- you say "the boar they'd felled" but I was confused about the who "they" were. Assume it's the three fairies, but it's in proximity to several other possibilities.

    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi, Dustin,
    I think the comments of others are spot on. The fairies are completely compelling.
    I would keep reading with a little polishing up.
    Thanks for sharing! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  13. For some reason I was under the impression the three ladies were princesses and then it turns out they're the protectors and fairies at that! I think you have some strong writing here, but it might benefit the opening to define who is who upfront.

    ReplyDelete
  14. for some reason it felt like these three ladies were talking at each other, and not to each other. i didn't get a sense of who the there were, and i wasn't sure what the pov was either. i think this could be stronger if you played up a lot what makes these three faeries unique from each other, or introduce us to them one at a time or something.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Okay lots and lots of comments already, but I'll throw my two cents in as well.

    LOVE the premise.

    I don't have any problem with the opening being 'cliche'. I like it, although I think the overturned carts are a bit much. A horse running flat out would do anything to avoid crashing (and hitting anything large while at speed would involve a crash) so unless the farmers are accidentally overturning their own carts, it seems a little overboard.

    To counter K. Turley, I immediately pictured a knight's charger when you had 'huge horse' and 'castle' in the same sentence. That said, I think K is right in that you could substitute 'huge' for just a word or two which would give a stronger picture overall.

    To argue with K. Turley a little more, I don't get the same picture when I read 'glared' and 'narrowed'. I see her glaring angrily and then squinting with scrutiny, so I'd leave it.

    Little nitpick with 'The rider was thirty feet away and closing fast' Um, a large horse covers an average of twenty to twenty-five feet with each stride when at full gallop. Some cover even more. So thirty feet isn't very realistic because the rider would be passed the group in two strides.

    Unlike everyone else, I don't really mind that the fact that they're faeries isn't apparent until the end. I mean, this is only the first 250 words. I hate a book that throws every vital fact into the first paragraph. I think we learn just enough in this bit to get really interested. (And I LOVE that these are rough and tough, capable faeries)

    That said, what confused me was that the ladies had felled a boar, but then it seemed as if the one wanted to hide in the grass, which made me think they were all small. Or is the grass very tall? Are they close to the road? Or some distance off?

    All in all, I enjoyed it immensely and would eagerly read on! Great job hooking me :)

    ReplyDelete